Darkness's Inside
by Unika.Streeper
Summary: I looked at her. I remember being hurt; looking at her hurt. With every step she made graciously, with every move she taunted her viewers with, the dagger in my heart twisted a little too far and reality finally hit me hard; Andrea Sachs, the love of my life, was a stripper in Manhattan, as stripper who dances naked for a perverted crowd and strips for these perverted minds.
1. Prologue

Title: Darkness's Inside  
Rating: PG- 13 might be NC-17 in the next chapters  
Pairing: Miranda / Andrea  
Summary: I looked at her. I remember being hurt; looking at her hurt. With every step she made graciously, with every move she taunted her viewers with, the dagger in my heart twisted a little too far and reality finally hit me hard; Andrea Sachs, the love of my life, was a stripper in Manhattan, as stripper who dances naked for a perverted crowd and strips for these perverted minds.

A/N: I freaking love my beta! You know why Honey ;)  
A/N 2: This is a bit Angsty so beware =D  
A/N 3: Enjoy! Oh and please leave reviews =D

* * *

**Prologue**

October 25, 2007

It has been nearly a year since she got away, almost a year since she left me and almost a year since I've last seen her. I don't know why I was drawn to her. All I knew was that nothing ever felt right again ever since she left. I always knew that everything comes with a price and being at the top of my career is not an exception. Right now, I am enduring the entire price that I have to pay to stay at the top. I know I would not only be suffering myself but I would also be suffering my children, and the people who I deem to be close to me. But what can I do? I know I can never lose authority because if I lose being on the top I would lose a part of myself, either way I would still be putting everything I have on stake. So I'd rather do what I love most, try to be happy and fulfill all the aspects of my life as much as I can and that includes being a mother, and being myself. As much as I hate writing the entire content of my thoughts, my therapist deemed it right that I must. He says that I am holding a lot of things back from him and that if I could not be honest with him, I must at least be honest with myself. And so, here I am writing each thought that crosses my mind at this very moment. The truth is that I have a lot of things to hold back and that is not because I wouldn't like to tell them but it is because my thoughts contains stories that are not mine to tell or at least mine alone to tell. I have no Idea why people are drawn towards other people's mistakes. It seems that if a person commits something so wrong, it is other people's business to air that person's dirty laundry and all of these things make me reluctant to actually reveal my thoughts. But in the privacy of this hard bound journal, I would write these thoughts and not be restrained in showing my vulnerability, myself. And the summary of the contents of these thoughts comes in the form of a name. Andrea Sachs.

And to say the least, I have completely fallen for her. It may be a late confession but I have gradually accepted that truth to myself nine months after she left my employ. Inside those nine months was the reluctance to submit myself of that ridiculous Idea that I just might have fallen for the idiotic girl. At first I thought that what I was feeling was irritation of how the girl left. Of course I was irritated of when and how she left but what concerned me was WHO she left. My first thoughts were, 'how dare her leave me! I am Miranda Priestly and I can burn her dreams on the snap of my fingers'. And of course she left me to tend to myself on Paris fashion week without making sure that I was secured and assisted professionally. She left me when she knew that I would be facing a hell of a time once the divorce processes begins and once the press picks up on it. She left me! Nobody leaves me until I decide to dismiss them. But she somehow penetrated these thoughts more on what I have stated. That reaction for me was reasoned out for the first 4 months after she left since she did leave the dragon in the most unfortunate time and the most unfortunate way. But after the press fiasco, and after Stephen signed the paper as fast as ink dries on a paper, and after I knew that my children were not too emotionally a braised by the whole situation, I still find myself thinking about her. This time, I think of her on a different light. I would wonder how she is she doing, if she is on a relationship, if she stayed with the cook, or if she is enjoying her job.

I got a little worried when I didn't see her articles at the mirror anymore a little over 5 months after I gave her that recommendation. I tried looking for her writing on other papers but she seemed nowhere to be found. And then I reflected. I found it way too ridiculous that I am looking for a silly ex-assistant who didn't even finish her tenure. I tried telling myself that I was only keeping tabs on my investments since I can't have someone writing RUNWAY on their resumes and not be doing satisfactorily with their career.

A month after that, I started having dreams about her. Typical dreams where we just have dinner and watch movies with the twin's. Dreams where I just have her by my side; in my arms. That's when my heavy realization happened. What does it mean when you hate someone for leaving you? What does it mean when you find yourself thinking about that person? What does it mean when you wonder how her day went, how she is? Is she happy? Does that mean you miss her? What does it mean when you dream about that person being a part of your family? Contrary to the whole belief, I don't know everything. I don't have answers to everything and make miracles happen. I may always do those things at RUNWAY because god knows I make a miracle each and every time I try to salvage the quality of work my staff gives me. But in my personal life? I don't know things half as much as other people know. All I know is that after all the thinking and trying to reflect how I feel, I have come to the conclusion that I really have fallen for Andrea Sachs.

And now it has been a year since she left my employ, and a little over three months since I finally accepted my feelings towards her. And it has also been a little over three months since I decided to find her. I remember how stunned Emily was when I asked her to find me Andrea's contact information and her address. But inside those 3 months it seems that luck isn't with me. I've learned that Andrea got laid off around the same time that I stopped reading her articles at the Mirror. I tried contacting her Family and friends who all claimed that Andrea have not had any contact with them ever since she got laid off. I even tried contacting the cook to see if he had any information about her but even he doesn't have any idea of her whereabouts. And so here I am right now; A 52 year old woman who recently embraced her changed sexual orientation and is seeking for a 27 years old woman. Ever since I accepted my feelings for her, I vowed to myself that I will find her and bring her back into my life no matter what it cost.

MP

* * *

TBC… Please leave me some cookies ;)


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Emily's Point of View 3 months ago**

**June 16, 2007; 8:45 AM; RUNWAY Offices**

"Emily, get me Andrea's Contact Information." Miranda said as she threw her coat and bag towards my desk.

At first of course I had a momentary reboot of who Andrea was besides that utter twat who left Miranda's employ 9 months ago. Surely Miranda is talking about other Andrea. Who could it be? Then it occurred to me that Miranda didn't know anybody named Andrea worth mentioning other than that twat. I was really, really shocked because nobody deigned to say the words "Andrea Sachs" in the office since the bloody traitor left. If even as a word of utterance about Andy Sachs would be heard by the dragon Lady, she will be on a rampage for the rest of the week even though it was only Monday.

Finally, Irritation replaced the feeling of total shock since once again I'm going to have to deal with a Miranda problem concerned with Andrea Sachs. Andrea Sachs who left Miranda in the midst of bloody fashion week; Andrea Sachs who left Miranda when there were many things to be handled because of the divorce; Andrea Sachs who replaced my job by being good in contrast with my own ability as a first assistant; Andrea Sachs who got the bloody chance of getting to go to Paris fashion week but chose to leave Miranda in the stairs of Paris. I totally swear on my own grave that if I would have to clean up a pretty big mess because of the utter twat, I'm gonna have to bloody kill her and hang her body on the top of the empire state building even if it's the last thing I do.

* * *

**October 27, 2007**

In the three months that I've been trying to find Andrea, It was only yesterday that I have truly gotten important information about her. It was nothing more than what could be written on a small piece of paper. When Emily delivered the book last night, she also gave me that small piece of paper. Inside it was an address

Andy Sachs

Sweet Talk Federal

118th Street Lower East Side Manhattan

My first thought upon seeing the bloody piece of paper was that "What the hell is a 'Sweet Talk Federal'?" I haven't gotten any idea of this place since it was on the Lower East Side. I wondered at first if the name was some absurd Apartment name of some sort. And so, after a day of pondering what to do, I have finally decided to check this place tomorrow after work. Finally! I will get to have the chance to talk to her. My dear, sweet, Andrea. If the address on the piece of paper is indeed her apartment, I will go and see her around 7 PM. We will go out and have dinner at Pastis, I will tell her all the things that I have been yearning to say since her absence in my life and that if she would not oppose to it, I would like to have a the chance to get to know her better. I know it would be quite bold and surreal for me to do all these things, but once again I tell myself that everything comes with a price and right now no matter what happens I will be able to tell myself that at least I tried. No matter what happens tonight, I tried. I've been waiting for this day from the moment I finally accepted my feelings towards her, I just hope that she will give me that chance to love her.

MP

* * *

**Miranda's Point of View**

**October 28, 2007**

It was quarter to six when I had Roy drive me to the address that was written on that single piece of paper. To tell the truth, sitting in the moving vehicle was one of the most gruesome 15 minutes of my life. I sat there contemplating of how I would confess my love to the younger woman, how I would open up this vulnerable part of myself to her and how I would let myself be open to her, just to have her by my side. For a woman such as I am, this was all a huge step. But I already made myself a promise. And I would not be Miranda Priestly if I did not live up to my word. By six in the evening I was in front of what seemed to be a strip club. But for all I knew it could be anything considering the fact that I have never been in such a place. When I pushed the slick glass door open, the first thought that went through me was that 'what the hell is Andrea doing in a place like this?' to start with; the whole place was dimly lit with party lights going on and off, and the door that I entered seemed to be a foyer of some sort. When I got through the end of that poorly lit foyer, there was another glass door waiting for me to open. But before I moved a single muscle in my body, my attention was caught by a small board standing just beside the door. Although the lighting was really bad and the picture on that small board was a little too small for my liking, I knew for a fact that I was staring at a wallet size picture of one Andrea Sachs wearing far too much paint on her face, a string bikini and a scrap of clothing that could only be mistaken for as a bra. I started being worried at that point since what I have feared for the moment I came in inside that god forsaken place came true. Andrea was working in a strip club somewhere in Manhattan. Dear god what happened to this girl. She had her whole life ahead of her. She had so many sparks, so much life in her and so much love to give. I remember having her inside the office and she had this sense complete joy in her, like a light ready to shine on everyone who has a little dark place inside of them. All the joy in her life could be seen in those wide and wonderful chestnut eyes. But as I gazed at that photograph of her, all I saw was emptiness in her previously joyous eyes. She was a little too thin for my liking and her breasts were nearly spilling off of that scrap of clothing she has on her chest. Her eyes were hard and hollow; as if she truly hated the person behind the camera. Although she had her hair color changed to blonde, I could not have been mistaken. It was my dear sweet Andrea. I composed and readied myself for the worse as I pushed the door open.

When I finally entered the main hall where the male's main event was apparently happening, I stood frozen. I remember thinking 'This could not be true' But it was. I reluctantly pulled myself out of the haze and made a beeline on the pathway they have made for arriving guests. The whole place was indeed a hell house. A lot of people where by the platform, yelling. The whole place was dimly lit by the disco light going on and off, much like the lighting on the foyer. On the platform was a woman, nearly naked and all the people surrounding that mini stage were urging her to take off the remaining scrap of silk that was covering less than a quarter of her body. The smell of cigarette smoke, alcohol, musk and sex, filled the whole place up. My heart was thudding loudly. I knew I wanted to see Andrea, but not like this. I never would have pictured her in this predicament if I had a choice. But until I saw Andrea and proved that she was indeed working inside this hell house, I refuse to believe that she was anywhere near that god forsaken place.

Pulling up courage, I willed myself into walking directly towards the platform and sat by one of the unoccupied high chairs that were lined up along it. I took the time to observe this brothel. And my god it was truly a hell house by definition. There were numerous drunken people still drinking despite of their predicament. A lot of the people by the platform, mostly men, were urging the woman performing with slips of dollars by hand. When one of the waiting staff came up to me and asked for my drink of choice, a slow and sensual song blared up the thudding sound system. I whipped my head up to the woman walking up the stage; stark naked with nothing on than a pair of stilettos. Then I started to go pale. I knew in that moment that had the lighting been bright, everyone in that room would have seen me going pale and white, as if all the color on my face decided to leave my body. To say that I was shocked and a little mortified was an understatement. _Oh my dear Andrea, what happened to you? Had I known that I would be seeing you in this state, I would have gone after you when you chose to leave on those steps of Paris._

With the lights going dimmer and the song getting louder; I looked at her face. With the crowd getting hotter and the people getting bolder; I looked at her. I remember being hurt; looking at her hurt. With every step she made graciously, with every move she taunted her viewers with, the dagger in my heart twisted a little too far and reality finally hit me hard; Andrea Sachs, the love of my life, was a stripper in Manhattan, as stripper who dances naked for a perverted crowd and strips for these perverted minds.

I had the urge to climb up that platform and cover her with my coat. I wanted to shield her from these people in any way that I could; physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally. I wanted to grab her and take her away from this world; this world filled with pain and perversion. But at the moment I just looked at her blankly and sat there wondering what I would be doing next. I knew for a fact that she saw me among the crowd. After years of being the editor-in-chief of RUNWAY I knew that I am for a fact hard to miss. I confirmed that when her eyes gazed upon mine and her gaze lingered. It might have been part of her sensual dance but I may have seen her shiver. We held glances and with that she averted her gaze.

That was it. I have had enough of this! I stood up and talked to the wait staff and demanded that I talk to their Manager. Mr. Perez was not a typical man to deal with. But considering that I am Miranda Priestly, he got to bow down before me. He owned this brothel of an establishment and hired the strippers personally, something that he proudly shared with me as I listened with disgust and waited for Andrea to get out of the changing room.

"Mr. Perez I see no reason why Andrea cannot simply get off this hell hole right now. Is there any problem with what I am asking? Am I really asking for the impossible here" I asked pointedly.

"We don't work here like that Mrs. Priestly. As much as I want to, I can't let Andy off the hook tonight because most of my dancers are fully booked and so is she" this very untoward Man told me.

"How much exactly is she earning you for a night Mr. Perez I am sure that we can come up with a deal" I stated as I started to dig through my small purse.

Before this disgusting sleaze could say anything, Andrea went out of the changing room fully dressed and clutching what appears to be a haversack. "It's okay Raphael. I got Jackie to cover for me tonight. Can I get off?"

"Just so we are clear, you are not earning a penny tonight." he said and left.

Chestnut orbs met mine as we silently took in each other's presence. She smiled at me as I took her in. This woman standing in front of me cannot be the same woman who I saw in that godforsaken platform. She was not the woman in the picture by the door. Because as I gazed at her eyes, all the hollowness was gone and certain relief and fondness replaced it. It was like I was looking a different person with a different life. She smiled and everything seems to have melted me. Nothing else existed than this woman right in front of me. I knew I wanted to talk to her but I seem to have lost my words. I didn't know where to start. And that scared me. I have always made my decisions with precession but with Andrea I seem to have developed an impulse, something I have not had in years. It scared me. Not being in control scares me. I willed to leave, to run away, to never see her again.

But as I looked into those lovely doe eyes and that irresistible smile, I remember the naked woman dancing on that platform with nothing on than a pair of stilettos. That lost woman whom I wanted to embrace with love is right here in front of me and I never want to see her in that predicament ever again. Control be damned! I had the urge to shield her, to protect her.

With her smile she approached me as if we were old-time friends and not previously boss and assistant.

"Miranda! Fancy seeing you here! How are you?!" she asked as she made her way towards me and linked her arm with mine. I felt myself shiver at the physical contact but I burned it in the back of my mind.

For the first time in years Miranda Priestly lost her tongue. This tongue that has lashed a lot of dreams in a second seemed to have lost its edge. I just stared at her and she seemed to have felt self-conscious.

"Look, I know you want to talk or catch up but would you like to have it over drinks or would you like get out of here" she asked once again.

When I finally found my tongue in working order I finally formulated my thoughts one by one "I would like to get out of this god forsaken place if you don't mind" I said.

"Let's go then. Do you have Roy up front?" she asked as we made our way out.

"Yes, he is waiting for us" I replied as I untangled my arm from hers and walked briskly toward the entrance once again.

Once we got inside the car she looked at me expectantly I met her gaze but I didn't talk to her. Instead I spoke to Roy.

"Roy, to the town house." I said as we stared at each other's eyes for a moment. Looking at her chestnut eyes gave me a small sense of familiarity. I remember gazing at those same eyes when we were still in a working relationship. She had come accustomed to my needs and at times I didn't need to tell her. I would look at her in the eyes and she would gaze back at me as if what I needed was written in my eyes. I wonder how it was possible that when I looked at those same eyes in the platform of that strip club, I saw pain and hollowness. This same set of eyes didn't look anywhere near those hollow eyes in the platform.

And then she spoke "The town house?" she asked curiously.

"Yes" I didn't care to explain myself but remembering how I felt when she started to dance stark naked in front of all those people, I decided that the townhouse would be the safest place that I could take her. Away from those animals, away from money and sex, away from the world she might have come accustomed of.

When we arrived at the Townhouse I dismissed Roy and walked directly to the door. Andrea was only a few steps behind me, waiting. Silence was upon us as we got into the foyer. I took her coat from her and hanged it alongside mine inside the closet. We looked at each other again, this time I saw a different emotion in her eyes; something that I couldn't understand. Instead of commenting on it or getting to the point, I took the coward way out and made small talk; something that I rarely do.

"Have you had dinner yet?" I asked as I walked towards the kitchen. I knew without a doubt that she would follow me.

"Not even a bite at lunch. I was planning to have a snack sometime around 4 but Rafael thought it will be great to practice a new number before we opened up. So no. Say, do you have any water around here. I suddenly felt thirsty." She said as she sat herself down on one of the high chairs by the counter.

I made my way to the fridge to pour her that drink of water. "You poor thing, must be so thirsty after that little display you call a number in that brothel" I snipped. I didn't mean to sound a little too on the edge and sarcastic but I was nervous and being nervous made me snappy and very unfiltered. For a minute she looked a bit shocked and embarrassed but she quickly hid those emotions and covered a mischievous glint in her eyes instead.

"Is that why you were there?" she asked with that glint in her eyes as I handed her the water. "Did you want to see me do my numbers?" she continued as she gazed at me through the rim of the glass she had on her hand.

"Proud are you?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Not the least bit" she said as she lowered the glass on the counter. "You wanted to talk?"

"After dinner" I replied as I rummaged the kitchen for what Cara prepared before she left in case I did eat here.

"Would you like a glass of wine?" I asked as I spotted the Tupperware on the fridge and opened it. Pork Roast.

"If it wouldn't be too much of an imposition" She replied.

"Not at all" I said as I took the food out and placed sat it on the microwave for a few minutes. I took a bottle of red from the wine cooler and poured her a glass.

"Thank you" she said as she sipped on it. "How are things going?" she asked.

"The usual; Heads are rolling, Models are crying, designers are tearing their hair and Emily is about to commit suicide as Serena prevents her from doing so. The budget is being raised, Irv is trying to pull it down, Nigel is the only one working and I get to keep my job." I said as I took out a few vegetables from the fridge and started chopping them up for a salad.

Andrea emitted a full-blown laughter at my words "You never change do you?" she asked again, this time with a smile. I looked at her and she seemed to have changed her demeanor again; from that blank and indescribable look, to eyes filled with of hope and life. "How's Nigel anyway? And please tell me Emily and Serena are already dating I mean it's been so long since I've last seen them! I knew for a fact that they were pretty much unaware that they were dating when I was still working for you" she said as I continued chopping the vegetables up.

"Oh they're doing fine. I am currently grooming Nigel for the Editor-in-Chief position of the upcoming Men's RUNWAY and Emily and Serena are indeed seeing each other, this time in a much conscious way."

"Gee. So much has happened these past few years!"

"Indeed. Of course you would have known that had you taken the time to be seen. Nobody knew where in the world you have been hiding. Not even your parents knew where you were. And your previous friends have not been much of a help either." I said.

She looked at me chopping up the onions and rounded up the counter "Here, let me help" she said as she took hold of my hand and tried to slip the knife off of it. I felt myself shiver at the contact but I tried to compose myself and gripped the knife harder. "No, no. I can manage" I said as I looked at her. She was standing behind me with her hand on mine and I gaze her eyes. Looking at those orbs confused me. It was like I was looking at a different set of eyes each time I met them. We were barely a few centimeters apart and I could feel her breath on my face. She looked at me and the world seems to have stopped around me. As if being this close to her was what I existed for. She broke our gaze and looked at our hands. I was starting to tremble. Afraid that she would notice it, I pulled my hand away from her and cleared my throat "You can set the table up if you are so adamant to be of help" I croaked.

She left my side and rounded the counter "Sure I can do that." She muttered.

"So how are the twins doing?" she asked as she found the plates and started setting up the table.

"Good. They are getting violin lessons. An Idea I never understood where they got" I said.

"They are growing fast aren't they?" she said.

"They are." I replied,

"Stephen gave you a hard time during the divorce?" she asked as she took out forks from a drawer.

"Not more than it should have been" I then said as I took out a dressing from a cabinet "How have you been?" I then asked. I knew I should keep this conversation for later but I'd rather start it early than have an awkward silence between us.

"Oh, I'm good I guess. Getting by. I have a job. Not exactly something that I could be proud of but I have it to pay the rent" She replied again silently as she took a seat on the high chair on.

"Are you planning on moving to another…" I found myself drifting before I found the right word "Career field anytime soon?" I asked as I rounded the counter and placed the slat bowl on the table.

"Why'd you ask" she asked back.

I took the pork roast out and served it on a plate then made my way to the table. It wasn't like I didn't want to answer her. I just didn't know how to. "Let's eat" I just said.

We sat there in silence, eating our food. We were on the opposite ends of the square table when Andrea decided to break the ice once more. "Thank you" she spoke quietly.

"For what?" I asked

"For preparing and having dinner with me" She quietly said "It's been a while"

"It's been a while since you've had dinner?" I quizzically asked.

"Since I've had a nice company, Silly" she then said with a smile.

I was at lost. How could someone not give this beautiful woman a company? She is beautiful, smart and witty. She was once everything that a woman would want. Still is. But a little shift in the world she chose would be better suited for her.

"In a place like that? I would have thought you get a lot of company by the hour." I mirthlessly said.

She smiled and then replied "Not with anyone who had no ulterior motives" she then said.

We looked at each other again, this time we were both smiling. This is the woman I knew. This smiling woman in front of me is the woman I fell for. Not that stripping slut on the bars as they would call it.

Then her smile disappeared and she put her fork down on the plate. I became a bit worried on the shift of emotions again. And then she spoke "or is this just the beginning? Is this some part of a plan? Where you pretend to be nice to me and then take your motives clean on the table before the night is over? Take advantage of the wounded ex-assistant for the last time." she asked bitterly.

She looked back up and then that indescribable look was there again. It was as if a blend of emotions were pooled into those dark orbs. Anger was there without a doubt. There was also a guarded expression and a sense of self-preservation, maybe a hint of disappointment and hurt was also mixed in there but the most empowering emotion showing on those orbs was something deeper; something unfathomable. I could no longer understand. Maybe I never will? Maybe this emotion was brought over by the sense of unbelongingness one gets to feel in that dark, dark place. Nevertheless, I stood up and sat myself beside her. I placed my left hand on top of hers and caressed my right hand to her soft cheek.

That's when the dam broke and the first tear started to fall. She looked at me and suddenly all those hidden emotions burst-out in the form of unstoppable tears. She broke down in front of me and I was there to pick her up. She sobbed as I grazed my hand on her cheek and wiped away those stubborn tears. They were rebellious and they continued falling until she was a wrecking havoc on my dining room. I pulled her in to embrace her, to comfort her and she buried her face on the crook of my neck. She just continued sobbing as If she had let the dam broke on those unbidden emotions she has kept for months.

She was shaking. And with a split of a second she was up, as if she was ready to bolt out of the room. I sensed that she was about to do just that so I pulled her body from behind and just embraced her. As I took her in, she started struggling out of my arms, knocking one of the glasses on the table down and breaking it on the process. But she continued to move and her hand got caught on one of the jagged pieces of glass on the table. She struggled as if she was not to be touched, as if my touch burned her. She wanted to get away. But I didn't let her. By then she was a wreck. She was crying hysterically and yelling, screaming her lungs out for me to let her go. "Don't touch me! Get off me! let me go!" she yelled and her hand pulled mine away so I just rounded my arms on her waist. I buried my nose on the crook of her neck, and whispered to her ears "You are safe here, I will never let go of you again. You will be safe here. I am right behind you. And I will always be here to pick you up every time you feel like falling" but she will have none of my words and just continued screaming.

"Let me go! Let me go!" she cried "Please Miranda… I will never be good enough for you. Let me go…. Let me go…. before you get burned!" she said between sobs.

And then her legs gave out. In a matter of seconds we were a mess in the middle of my dining room. I continued holding her in my arms and she continued crying, this time silently. She rested the back of her head on my shoulders and my lips were directly on her ear. I started whispering words of comfort to her and it seemed to have calmed her down. I took her bloody hand on mine and caressed it. I kissed her cheek and continued whispering words of comfort to her ear.

It might have been hours before she fully calmed down and her tearful eyes met mine. She looked lost. I felt her breath on my lips and I knew that on that moment I will never ever let this woman leave my life again. I lean in and pressed my lips to hers. At first she was limp on my arms. But then she seemed to have felt my love in that brief moment and started to move those luscious lips with mine. She caressed my cheek and it felt wet. That's when I realized that she was not the only one crying. My rebellious eyes seem to have picked up the sudden emotion in me and started to drop down wet pools of tears. She kissed me once again and everything seemed to have stopped again.

She didn't smile at me but she also didn't yell at me. She became calm as I held her in my arms.

"Let's get that hand cleaned up, shall we?" I asked as I smiled on her.

She forcefully smiled and I stood up. I pulled her off the floor and lead her to my room.

* * *

TBC… Please leave me some cookies ;)


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: To my beloved beta, thank you so much for putting up with me. Without your help I won't be able to post this fic... I love you and cheer up okay? :-)

A/N 2: Thank you so much for the cookies! I really enjoy it and it kept me going! :-) *nom * nom *nom

A/N 3: Enjoy and please take time to read and review :-) I really love reading what my readers think ;-)

* * *

**Chapter 2**

I looked at the mirror as I rummaged through the medicine cabinet on my bathroom. Andrea was out in my bedroom waiting for me to get out with my medicine kit to get her hand cleaned up. I looked at reflection and took in my messy face. I then proceeded to clean myself up and strip myself off with my uncomfortable couture. Not being bothered to redress, I just donned in my robe and headed out the door. "_I would never be good enough for you…'_ '_Let me go before you get burned_' her words strung up on me. If anything, I would be lucky to have her in my life. I am aware that I could be a handful. I am after all 52 years old and have two teenaged twins and two sets of divorce papers. But If Andrea would have me; I will never sabotage our chance to be happy.

I went out to my bedroom and saw Andrea seated on my bed. I sat down beside her and sat up the first aid kit. I took her soft hand and started cleaning her wounds. Silence was upon us but it was no where awkward. Once I finished cleaning her wound, I wrapped it up with a bandage. That's when she lifted her other hand to my face. She placed her hand on my chin and lifted my face up.

"_I'm sorry_" she said with a sad smile.

"_It's okay_" I said and I took her other hand and planted a kiss on it. We sat there in silence as we looked at each other.

I knew she was drained both physically and emotionally. Not just by that emotional outburst in the dining room but also from the dark path she had led herself astray. So I gently lay on the bed with her. She had her back in front of me and I was hugging her from behind. We had the lamps off and the only source of light inside the room was the streaks of moonlight that passed through the slightly open window. She pulled my arm around her and placed my hand on her chest.

That's when she started to speak.

"_I always wondered how your arms would feel around me and I was right into thinking that you would make me feel secured and safe_" she said. It felt like she was digging up all her courage to talk and I didn't want to disrupt that so I didn't say anything and just rubbed my hand on her forearm as an answer. "_You would like to know how I ended up this way, wouldn't you?_" she asked and then without waiting for an answer, she spoke again "_I came to New York to be a journalist. I had no idea how big a world there was until I was on my own. I wanted to be a medium of change and against my parent's will, I pursue writing. And I was good at it. But I came to understand that doing what you love isn't always enough to get you though the days. And so I made my way to you. You who I didn't know until I talked to Emily Charlton; You who made my life a living hell on a whim;You who I didn't know seemed to have turned my world upside down. I have changed myself only to win your approval. I became efficient in a job that I never liked but came to love. I was living with someone and yet my heart and mind was with you. I have fallen for you. And then Paris came, and you were getting a divorce and in between that Irv was trying to run you over. I knew that the only way I could help you was to be efficient and be there when you needed me… and I was. You just didn't notice._" She said in a shaking voice.

I never understood the point of view of my assistants but I never for once ignored them, especially her. I know that I didn't admit my attraction towards her but god knows I could never ignore her and it pained me to think that she would think that. That's why I had to interrupt "_But darling I did notice you…_" I said but she stopped me before I could fully formulate my words.

"_Will you please let me talk? It's taken me this long to open up and I don't want to let it out in a way that would leave a sour taste in your mouth_" She said, still with that trembling voice.

That's when I understood that she just needed me to listen "_Yes, Darling do go on…_" I said as I rubbed my hand on her forearm in the hope that it would calm her trembling voice.

"_What I was feeling for you only grew each day and I knew that I had to get out-of-the-way before you would notice, or before I get myself too drowned in you to pull myself up._" She swallowed "_And then the James Holt thing happened and you screwed Nigel over. I knew deep in my heart you didn't have a choice and I understood that but it didn't keep me from thinking that one day, I will be of no use to you. And when that day comes, I will be too far down on you to be able to pick my broken self up the ground. This realization came when I was in that car with you. And once I got out of it, I knew I had to make a decision. So I did. On the spring of a moment I made the decision to leave you, Leave RUNWAY behind, and leave the glamorous world you have shown me that I came to love. I packed my things, and flew back to New York._" By this time I could feel tears making their way down my cheeks. I was still holding her and she still had her back on me, but I knew that she was also crying. Judging by the trembling voice and the sniffles I hear every once in a while, I knew that she was trying to keep her emotions at bay.

"_I didn't make that much money under your employ but I made enough to get me through the first month. If only my ex-boyfriend didn't break the lease on the apartment. My things were already packed on a box outside our apartment and he had already gone to Boston when I got back from Paris. Our friends didn't want to speak to me because I have changed and they didn't like it. Nigel was away in Paris and Emily would have beaten me up with her Blahniks if I ever asked for her help_" she said with a mirthless chuckle. But hearing that sound only made it more obvious that she has been through a lot "_So there I was in New York, without a home and with not enough money in my pocket. On that first night I just walked around central park thinking of how I ended up in this predicament. I just sat there and before I knew it, I was sleeping on a bench in central park dreaming of being in your arms. The next day, I pulled myself up and tried to set everything straight. I didn't want to go back home and have my parents tell me they saw it coming. So I looked for a cheap hotel, got myself an interview and got hired at the mirror. Finally! I was going to do something that I came to New York to do. I got to write, be a medium of change. But I wasn't myself anymore, and I knew that I never will be. You have taken a part of me with you and I'll never be able to get it back. I didn't have a social life and my pay was barely keeping me alive, the only thing I had with me was a shitty apartment and a Job which I was very passionate about. So to compensate this missing part of me, I just buried myself up to work. But the more I tried to work harder the more I strayed from the path. It's not like I was doing a lousy job at the mirror because God knows I was doing great. I was just not the best, so Greg had to lay me off when the crisis hit._" It hurts. It hurts hearing these words spill out of her mouth but I had to endure it. God knows she did. I just hang in there with her waiting for more revelation.

"_So there I was again; Out on the streets with barely a dollar on my pocket. I was out on the streets for nearly a week before accepting defeat and purchasing myself a one-way ticket home. The last penny I had, I spent on drinks at Sweet talk. I didn't even know it was a strip club. I got drunk on my last penny and ended up in the bathroom. I was trying to sober myself up by washing my face and changing my clothes… that's when Rafael walked in on me._" That's when her voice started to crack her breathing was becoming uneven and I had to reassure her that I was with her. This revelation seemed have revealed an even darker side. It was something that I never wanted to accept that she endured. But she did. And it was breaking my heart. I wanted her to stop talking to just hold her and just leave the world she had built behind. But I had to get through this. For her. I turned her towards me and I had my arms around her. We were so close and yet her eyes were dark and hollow. As if she was not there at all. She had tears falling from her eyes and there was an unfathomable pain inside her that I just wanted to take away. My elbows were leaning on each of her side and I was halfway on top of her but she didn't seem to mind. It looked as if my close proximity was keeping her tethered towards the earth and not completely away from this world.

"_I was changing my clothes and he was very drunk and…. To say the least he was not thinking straight… he… he cornered me and kissed me. It's been a while since anybody showed me affection, much less made me feel like I was worth anything. He kissed me but all I could think of was you. What would it feel to kiss you, what would it feel to have you? And then I had to stop. I turned away and he got a little aggressive. I politely rejected him and he got mad. He continued to kiss me against my will and he… he tore my shirt off my body out of range. He…. He forced himself to me… He… he pushed me to the floor and…. My god it was Horrible… I kept yelling at him, begging him to stop but he wouldn't listen. He was very strong and aggressive. I didn't stand any chance on him. After he… after he took advantage of me… he pulled himself out of the haze and I slapped him. I slapped him so hard. I slapped him for the slime ball that he was and slapped him for taking advantage of me. And I just started crying and wailing. He stood up and took a couple of dollars from his wallet and threw it down on me. It could have been hours that I laid there on that cold hard floor. I continued crying and wondering what happened to me. I felt used. Like I was nowhere near clean, as if I deserved what happened to me. I was shaking up badly and the tears would not stop falling. I felt like I was dying, a week without food and only liquor holding my empty stomach up had taken its toll on me. If I had indeed died on that floor my last thought would have been of you. Of how if ever there was a next life, I would make sure that I would end up with you. But I did live._" Then all things just came crashing on me. I was crying so hard and so was she. All of the strength that was keeping me up left my body and I just let myself fall on top of her. I embraced her and rolled us over so she was on top of me. I held her with my dear life. It wasn't just she and I anymore. It was us. Two heart sharing one beat.

"_The moment I woke up I was in a strange bed. That's when I met Jackie. She was working on the club as a stripper… And she worked for other services too. I told her what had happened and she just let me cry. Later when she got me fed and settled up, she told me that the bathroom I went to was not a public bathroom. It was the bathroom used by the strippers in the club and in his drunken haze; Rafael cornered me thinking I was one of his paid whores. But it didn't make me change how I feel. In fact, it made me even madder that in my drunken haze I had brought this on myself. Jackie kept me for the whole week in her apartment, not for once complaining on what kind of burden I was. And then I became better and I had to work. I had been open to her and she told me that if I would not oppose to it, I can be recruited in the bar. I thought about it all night and came up to one conclusion: I was already used, what dignity had I got to lose. I was already tainted I would never be clean and from then on I would never be good enough for you. And so I started at the club. I hated Rafael so much for taking away a part of me. When he met me I saw that he felt terrible for himself and he knew that I would not be able to forgive him so he just apologized and despite of the sleaze ball he is, he gave me the job. A job that would put food in my stomach, clothes on my back and roof above my head. I was already desperate and it's not like I had anything to lose. God knows I already lost you. At first it was just striping and even though how very degrading it was, I endured it for about a month. And then I just faded. Everything in me just became too dark. The whole place consumed me and I was getting so lost… so lost…. I was so lost to the point that I had sex, drugs, and money on the table. I am used… tarnished… that's why I will never be good for you. And that's why you have to let me go…_" she started crying hysterically again. But this time it wasn't just her. It was us. There was the two of us. We were crying. She was crying because the painful recollection made it even more real that she had endured such pain. I was crying because I was conscious that I brought this to her. That somehow I have had a hand on her pain and it killed me inside.

"_My darling I am so sorry_" I whispered in her ear. "_I am so sorry for all the pain I have brought to you_" I cried.

She looked up to me "_Be sorry for a lot of things_" she said. And her words twisted the pain just a little too far. We both know I was at fault somehow. "_But don't you dare feel sorry for me that I have loved you. You didn't bring any of this to me. Fate just fed me a little more than I could chew. All the things that happened to me were never your fault. _" she said.

We laid there in bed with our arms wrapped around one another. The pain was no longer just hers. It was ours. I looked at her and regarded her with the same love and adoration that I have felt right at the beginning. "_I don't care who you are, who you have become or who you will be. I will love you no matter what and who you choose to be. Just let me be here to love you. I know you have been through a lot and I can't say that I can make everything better for you. All I know is that I will always be here to pick you up when you feel like falling. I will be here for you if only you would let me. _" I said as I kissed her. "_I don't care about your past, all I need is to be in your future_" I said as I kissed her passionately.

* * *

When I received the piece of paper that contained all of Andrea's necessary information, I never anticipated the events that transpired next. It was as if it was that moment that led me to a life changing event in my life that I would never ever forget. As her lips touched mine, I suddenly became aware of our position. She was already on top of me with her knees on each side of my hips; she was straddling me. She pulled away from the kiss and I took her in. She was there, kneeling on top of me on the bed. We held each other's gazes and I looked at her dull hollow eyes. At that moment I longed to just bring back the life and color in those eyes. I slipped my hand behind her neck and pulled her in for another kiss and our lips met once again. My hands were roaming on her back. As if by doing so, it would keep her relaxed. She slipped her hands behind my neck and caressed my nape which made me moan, this gave her tongue access towards my mouth. That slick and wet muscle invited mine for a duel of domination. Everything about this kiss was just promising and downright erotic. It wasn't just the physicality of it but also the trust that one puts in a simple action. She pulled away once more but I protested and pulled myself up on a sitting position so that her lips would not leave mine. Suddenly, it was more than just sex. Here I was 52 years old, twice divorced and was clasping in my arms at last the goddess of my dreams. From this position I could feel the contours of her body fit mine, as if we were made to fit this way. She pulled away from me as she took hold of the hem of her dress "Don't worry" she said "I've always been safe at work" It took me a moment to understand what she was saying. I know that it was irresponsible of me, but being safe was the furthest thought from my mind. With that, I looked at her with the hunger inside me ready to be sated. She pulled her dress away from her body and I just held her close. She pulled her black lace underwear down and I kissed her once again. She moaned as I trailed my lips down her neck and towards her breasts. The black lace bra was getting in the way and so my hands travelled the expanse of her back in the quest of her closure. With a slip of my expert and dexterous fingers, the closure was unclasped. And just like her defenses, this lacy undergarment slipped down her arm. I wasted no time into latching my lips on her full bosom much like an infant that was deprived of her mother's milk for so long. She arched her back and moaned which urged me to suck on her pebbling nipple. She buried her hands on the mane of my silvery white hair. After sucking on her left breast, I moved my attention to the other. She was moaning non-stop as I gave her pleasure. When I stopped for a while to look at her eyes, she met my gaze. This time even though the dullness was certainly there, her eyes were no longer hollow. This made me believe that there was still hope for her. I pulled her in for another kiss, as if by doing so I would be able to breathe life into her again, bring color and happiness back into those empty and hollow eyes. She blindly trailed her hands onto my front and searched for the knot that was holding my robe together. She pulled away and undid the knot as she gazed directly at me. Once the robe was open, she latched her lips onto my neck which made me moan and arch my back, effectively making me weak and fall back unto the bed. She started lavishing my body with kisses starting from my neck towards my breasts, until she was right between my legs. My breathing was erratic as if I have been running a 3 kilometer race. She took hold of both my legs and spread them apart. I knew for sure that I was wet and soaking through my White laced La Perla. She moved closer to the apex of my legs and I was sure she was able to smell my arousal. She placed tender kisses on my clothed crotch before dragging her wet, hot, tongue through my slit, bisecting the wet scrap of clothing between my legs on the process; making my nether lips visible from its wetness. I started moaning loudly.

"_Dear God Andrea!... please…. Please…. Don't tease me… _" I begged.

My plead might have affected her because the minute she heard them, she slipped her thumbs on either side of the waistband of my La Perla and dragged it down my legs. She once again spread my legs and placed them on either side of her shoulders. She slipped her thumb and index finger between my nether lips to fully open me up to her. She blew on my clit which made me even more swollen. I knew I was ready for her, I could feel myself dripping with desire as she continued teasing me.

"_Please Andrea, Touch me…. I'm ready darling…. Don't tease me…make me yours_" I begged. She finally took mercy on me and started kissing my nether lips from one side to the other. And then she licked on my desire with fervor as I felt her tongue on my entrance. "_Dear God! Yes! Yesssss!_" I said as she slipped her tongue inside of me. I was already consumed. I was right where I wanted to be and I was soaring down the lighted path of pleasure and ecstasy. She then made me scream in pleasure by latching her luscious lips on my clit and started sucking.

"_Yes! Yes…. Harder darling…. Suck me harder!_" I screamed. She was bringing me closer and closer to the abysses of pleasure. Just when I was almost there, she slipped her tongue back inside me and started sweeping that hot wet muscle inside of me. I slipped my hands on her blonde tresses and yelled in pleasure "_Dear God Andrea! Please… Make me cum… make me yours…. Let me cum!_" with a long suck on my clit, pleasure and ecstasy coursed through my body, the muscles on my stomach clenched as I came. I was shivering with pleasure and Andrea continued licking me, making sure not a single drop of my cum was wasted, until the aftershocks of my orgasm finally subsided. She came up to me and we kissed passionately on the mouth as we shared my sweet nectar. I would have thought that by the way she greedily licked my juices off of me, that she would not want to share. But had I been proven wrong when she pushed her tongue inside my mouth and slipped a good amount of my nectar inside. I swallowed my own juices as we once again shared a passionate kiss. When she pulled away I gazed into her eyes and for once I was not mistaken, the colors in those eyes have indeed returned. She kissed me softly one more time and traced her fingers down the contours of my lips. Feeling a little naughty, I pulled her fingers inside my mouth and sucked on it. She closed her eyes as I depict pleasure on her features. I played my tongue around her digits and sucked.

"_Oh Miranda!_" She moaned. I sucked on her harder and pulled her fingers further down my throat. She continued moaning and I continued sucking on her. My mouth was already down to her knuckles when she pulled her fingers away and kissed me instead. I happily returned her kiss but was overthrown by the feeling of those dexterous fingers gently wedging their way down my cleft. She slipped her fingers deeper and was grazing on my clit.

"_Dear God! NO! oh god nnnnn… yes! Yes!_" I howled in pleasure as I am not accustomed to being a center of ecstasy in a short period of time. My ears were still buzzing from the powerful orgasm she just gave me. But as her fingers wiggled down my entrance, I found myself getting wet and aroused once more. She slowly caressed my entrance and gently pushed inside me. She started picking up her pace and my moans got louder and louder. "_Faster darling! Faster…. Deeper!_" I yelled in pleasure. She picked up her pace once more and inserted another finger inside me! "_YES! YES! More!_" I yelled once again. She was down on four fingers and was pistoning in and out of me. With a quick flick of her thumb on my clit, I there again for the second time in the span of 3 minutes; shivering in delight. Before I could even recover, she spread my legs and placed my right thigh on her shoulders. I didn't know what she was doing. Seconds later, I felt her lowering her own core right on top if mine. I never knew that this was possible. She was grinding herself between my legs as I felt our clits meet. I never thought that I would be able to feel every move her hot wet core made as it grinded with mine. Sweat was dripping on both of our bodies as we ground on each other's hips. She then kissed me passionately as she brought us to the abysses of ecstasy. "_Yes! Oh God! Faster And…..rea! Faster oh God I'm cumming again!… I'm…._" with one long and deep thrust of her hips, we were there "_Andrea!_"…. "_Miranda!_"

She collapsed on top of me and I held her in my arms. We laid there on the bed. I felt her heartbeat next to mine and all I could think of was that in this moment I knew we were both happy. She was safe in my arms and I never was to leave her side again. Tears silently made their way out of my eyes. "_You have given me the strength to go on… you made me feel your love and suddenly there's a light towards that dark tunnel I had that held secret about myself. I have found myself with you Andrea… and for that I am truly grateful _" I felt wet drops on my shoulder. That's when I realized I wasn't the only one crying. I held her so close. "_Thank you_" she whispered. "_Thank you for loving me… and thank you for making me feel alive again_" she closed her eyes… and with that I whispered in her ears "_I love you_"…. and then, I knew no more.

The wide rays of sunrise made its way in from the slightly open window and it grazed my still dazed eyes. I tried blocking away the offending light by burying myself under my pillow. But the scent of sex and sweat on my sheets made me conscious of the things that happened last night… Andrea, The strip club, Dinner, making love…. I pulled myself out of the haze and propped myself with my elbows. I took in my surroundings but Andrea seemed nowhere to be found. I slowly lay back down again and wiped the sleep in my eyes. I turned and ran my hand on the space that Andrea took on my bed last night. It was cold empty. She must have left before the sun was up. I willed to smell her scent from the pillow she had used, and so I lifted my hand in it… That's when I felt a piece of folded paper and something else under it.

Raising the pillow up, I saw the folded paper and a ring under it. I reached for both items and slowly read the content of the paper. Tears started to fall from my eyes again and the world seems to have stopped. She left. Just like that. My heart-felt heavy, as if it was carrying the weight of the world. I felt bare, and hollow. Did Andrea feel this way when she left me on Paris. The pain was too unbearable. I lay back down again and curled myself up into a ball. She's gone. She will never be back. She doesn't want me in her life. That's it. I trembled as I read the letter once more. It hurt so badly. My body shook and my heart trembled. Why did I have to fall for her?! Why did I have to find her?! Why did we have to face the future knowing that we will never be together?! WHY!

With those thoughts in mind, I pulled myself out of the bed and left the folded piece of paper and took hold of the ring. '_Whenever you felt like you didn't have the courage she said. Well here I am now asking for that courage of what I am about to do… forgive me…_' and with that, I left the ring on top of the envelope where it rested on the bed that Andrea and I made love in.

Making my way towards the bathroom, I took the bottle of pills I had in the back of the cabinet. I poured all of its content on my palm and looked at it pointedly. "Thank you so much for the memories indeed" I whispered to know one but myself…

* * *

What in the world was written on that piece of paper anyway? *hint *hint ;-)

TBC… Please leave me some cookies ;-)


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Dear Miranda,

You were sleeping so peacefully that I didn't have the heart to wake you. Thank you for taking the time to be with me by the way. It's been so long since I've had genuine company, much less have someone look after me and my well-being. I would also like to thank you for giving me the most wonderful and unforgettable night of my life.

I didn't have the heart to tell you last night that in my hopeless love and desperation for you, I have purchased a pair of eternity rings during my tenure at RUNWAY. I always had it around my neck and whenever I felt like I didn't have the courage to do something, I would just take hold of those rings on my chain and take courage from you. Please place this ring on its rightful finger, where it dearly belongs. And whenever you feel alone, take hold of it and remember that you will always be loved.

When I left RUNWAY I thought I was finally going to find love by pursuing what I loved most; and that was writing. I tried finding it everywhere and from everyone. I thought I was doing well in the beginning but then I got drown by the strong currents of life. I never thought I would end up like this. Instead of rescuing myself from the waters that were drowning me, I just pulled myself way too deep to reach the surface.

Now I understand what biting the bullet and hanging by a thread means; If it stinks you should wash it. If it hurts, you should find something to ease the pain. If it's too much for you to bear just look away without as much as thinking what other people might think of you. Even though I may be a slut, a paid whore, a tainted soul that knows how different men taste like, there is one thing that made me feel valuable; YOU. I told you last night that I have nothing in me to be proud of, Well YOU Miranda Priestly, have given me something to be proud of last night and that is, that I have tasted your lips; by that simple yet amazing gesture, I have given you the strength to believe that you are not like the rest Miranda Priestly; that you are more than what you give yourself credit for. In the brief moment that my lips whispered my love to yours, I have given you the light leading towards yourself. I would like you tell you too, that I am very much grateful that your lips are the only once I've kissed that made me feel that I am worthy enough to still live for myself.

If we were in a different circumstance I would never leave your arms. I would build a home right inside your heart so that you would know that I will always be with you. Although I am very much happy and thankful that you have found your way into my arms, I don't think anybody could clean up the mess I have made out of my life and the tainted marks I have made in my soul.

I know that I am not and will never be worthy enough of you. I once dreamt of being a part of your family, but the bitterness in my heart and the numbness I feel will never let me leave this dark and deserted place I have trapped myself in. I will never forget the bittersweet taste of our last kiss goodbye. Please do not try to find me again. Let me be the one to come to you should I ever be able to pick myself up and be deserving enough of you. You have to know that you have also given me the strength to go on. Even if we will never be together, I know my memory of you will keep me up and alive. Although I am not a religious person, a deity above must have sent me the pleasure of meeting you and being a part of your life.

Andrea

* * *

TBC… Please leave me some cookies ;)

Next would be the epilogue


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Author's Note**: I love you so much Marg! Thank you so much for putting up with me! I know I could never have done this without your help.  
**Author's Note 2**: Thank you so much for the cookies! I love them all! =D please keep them coming ;)  
**Author's Note 3**: Please enjoy and tell me what you think.

* * *

October 18, 2009

Emptiness. Every day I wake up with the same emptiness in my heart. It has been two years but the emptiness in my heart weights the same weight it did the moment I woke up without Andrea by my side. More than a dozen of times I felt like taking my life away. But each time, I held tight on the ring that the love of my life has given me and I found the courage not to. If Andrea found courage in this ring to do something she didn't have the strength to do, I held onto it to find reason not to do that one thing that could take away the pain but could also bring my children a lifetime of wonder and unhappiness. This ring, the picture of Andrea's smile and the faces of my smiling daughters were the only things that made me get through the past two years. Although RUNWAY played a big role in keeping my thoughts of her clouded, I would readily give it up if it would bring Andrea back to my life. To the outside I have been really hard to live with. I hired and fired employees a lot more than I have in the last 5 years. I have taken it to myself that nobody would know the pain I was going through. I would go to work like I normally would with my evil glare and sharp looks that never gave away my real emotions. Yet inside, I was a wreck, I always feel like I was seconds away from bursting, and yet, I held myself together. I am a very strong woman, I know that. I am just not strong enough to handle this on the inside. I am a lot of things and that includes being a vulnerable woman, and I made sure that no one would look past my facade but Andrea seemed to have managed just that. She who made one look at me that told me that it would be okay to let my guard down. It has not been a stroll in the park I can guarantee you, but I am sure all the things I have written behind the privacy of this hardbound journal would give you all the proof one would need to say that things has not indeed been easy. Everyday seemed to have been a battle between myself and my emotions. I longed for her, I yearned for her presence, her face, her touch, her hugs, her kisses, her caresses, but most of all; I yearned for her love.

The desperation paired with utter sadness repeatedly made me think of ending the pain. It was so painful, but everyday I took it. Everyday I fought against that devil inside of me to keep myself living. Even if I wasn't living for myself anymore or for that love that was not given the chance to grow; I would continue to live for my daughters. My daughters: who seemed to have thought that I was having a breakdown. Maybe I was, Maybe I am. Or maybe I am just unhappy. It has been two months since I last thought of taking my life away but I remember the ring on my finger and the person who gave it to me and everything just seemed hard to get through. I can never forget that first morning I woke up without her. I was feeling lost, anger, yearning, disappointment, distraught and very, very empty. I took that bottle of pills on my medicine cabinet and held on my palm almost all of its content. I was there, almost halfway across. I could have done it, but the image of my twins crossed my mind in a split of a second and I couldn't go through it. Nevertheless I still held on those pills on my palm, building up the courage to do that one thing that would take my pain away. I was willing myself to do it. To just take that bottle of pills and sleep away the pain and never return in this life full of evil and cruelty. Instead, I just fell on my knees. The tears stopped falling the moment I entered the bathroom but that didn't mean I was feeling less pain. On the contrary it seemed like the pain was too unbearable to fathom that my body refused to feel it. I was numb. I just sat there on my bathroom floor, naked. I was shaking terribly but somehow I made it back to my room. I shakily stood up on my feet and started moving towards the bed. One foot, than another; I instructed myself. Breathe in; breathe out. I sat down on the bed and my eyes caught that shining ring on top of the letter. I took it and held it in front of me. I gazed at it for god knows how long and the tears just started flowing relentlessly. I started crying again. I took hold of the ring on my palm and held onto it as if my life depended on it. Maybe it did. I held it close to my heart and tightly squeezed it. That was the moment I threw the pills my left hand was holding, across the room. I took in my bedroom and observed was has become of it throughout the night. Nothing was really out of sorts than the mess on top of my bed, the letter & the ring, and the scattered pills around the room. I laid back down the bed and just held onto that ring close to my heart as if by doing so, Andrea would be closer to me; and she would save me from my drowning emotions and dark thoughts of death.

I am sure that this is the first and might as well be the last time that I would be recounting the events of that morning. I never spoke of it with anybody, let alone my therapist, and I never wrote it on my journal. This is the first time that I have opened up about that day and I have in the hope that by doing so, I could gradually take out the pain it continuously pound inside of me and set me free. So many times I have thought about taking away the pain, but I would just hold unto this ring and all those thoughts disappeared. It was painful but I took it all in. The pain is a sign that I am still alive and I would be able to heal myself. Two years have passed and the pain subsided a little but the emptiness is still there, as whole as the day she left me. Although I am trying to move on with my life, it may be a little more while that the pain would fully subside and I would start to feel more like human again.

MP

* * *

**October 20, 2009**

**Miranda's Point of View**

It was Sunday morning and I was still lazing in bed. I have been up late last night but my internal body clock seems to always find a way of destroying my plans of sleeping in during the weekends. I have been awake since 6 o'clock this morning and I didn't find it in me to get up and start my day. It was indeed a Sunday so I didn't have anything caught up on me. The twins were still in bed, also having slept later than their bed time. I have not been the best mother to them as of lately but I am trying to fill up the empty spaces I have been leaving in their lives for the past few years. So, to make them feel a little more normal and better, I decided a night filled with popcorns, movies and candies was in order. This kept them quite up until 11 last night. Even then, I couldn't sleep so I took out my book of interest and curled up with it until 1:30 in the morning. Looking on my bedside table, I gazed at my clock. It was already 8:30. I turned my eyes back on the book I was reading. I slept through it halfway last night. It was a copy of Sex, Drugs, Money and Love by Armand Styliier Panne. A New York times bestseller. I bought it personally when I was out buying the twins' birthday presents. I was passing by a small bookstore when this book on display caught my attention. I cannot deny it to myself that I bought it because it reminded me of Andrea. The book contains vast knowledge of dark emotions involved with sex, drugs and money. As I read page by page of this book, it lightened my understanding towards the insecurities, self-pity and degradation one would feel in Andrea's Shoes. It made me feel just exactly how small and little Andrea would feel every time she would look at herself. It is a great book and it gave me hope in the end. I have had this book for already four months and up until now I would read it just to build back that hope. The last thought continuously lingers in my head. On the last page of this book, I have highlighted its last paragraph:

"_The pain of being unworthy is a pain that would consume you. It is a pain that would bind all your happy thoughts into a tunnel of darkness and surround it with memories that would damn you to hell. But at the end every tunnel is a light, a light of hope that could also consume you and bind your dark thoughts into small pebbles of hope. Once you see that light, you just have to hold onto it, make it the center of your life, and live for those pebbles of hope. That light could come in a lot of forms, all you have to do is find it and not get lost inside that tunnel. Once you get out of it, you will always remember where that tunnel was. You may continue on with your life and leave that tunnel behind, not see it for years. But you will always know that tunnel existed, and that should you encounter it again; you know that even though you don't see it, a light exists to pave the way out of the darkness. Hope – you just have to live on it._"

These last words gave me more than enough hope to hold onto in the last 4 months. Those words were so cliché yet so raw and true. The last sentence made me remember of that one time that I uttered almost the exact same words. And I still live by it. I don't know if Andrea has read it. But I live on hope that if she did, she would find that light in her life that would lead her out of that tunnel and back to me. That she would be able to find it in her to pick up herself and try to see things differently for the first time in a long while.

I dazed out of my thoughts when Patricia came inside my room and nonchalantly invited herself on top of my bed. She curled up beside me and snuggled, I meant to reprimand her but decided that she deserves a little time lazing in bed too. She laid down beside me and I started running my fingers on her fur.

Gazing out of my window, I looked at her and said "_It's a great day Patricia, Do you want to play ball at the park?_"

Hearing the word ball and park made her lift her head and wiggle her tail. I patted her once more and got off the bed.

"Come on Patricia. We need to get the girls up if you want to take that walk in the park."

* * *

10:30 found me sitting on a bench underneath a tree in Central Park. We opted into buying sandwiches and have brunch at the park. Caroline and Cassidy were already through with theirs as I sat on the bench trying to finish mine. Cassidy was playing the ball with Patricia as Caroline took candid shots of them and everything around us. It was a lovely autumn day. The trees were already starting to lose their leaves and the wind was starting to get more chilly these days. I looked at the skies and wondered what Andrea was doing at this very moment. The bright sun reminded me of her smile and the way she would unknowingly light up a whole room with it. That is when I felt Caroline taking my picture. I didn't mind though. It has been a while since we last enjoyed a good stroll in the park and it has also been so long since I just let myself enjoy the autumn breeze. When Cassidy threw the ball towards a certain direction, Patricia readily went after it, which is when she found herself sitting beside me.

"_Mom?_" she said as she tried garnering my attention.

I looked at her intently as she spoke "_Have you ever thought of falling in love again?_"

I couldn't say anything for a moment, her question really threw me. "_What made you ask that darling?_" I then astoundingly asked.

"_Nothing…_" She shrugged. She looked at me again while she had this timid look on her face "_It's just that, well… You know that we are your daughters and well we are very observant, we pick up things easily and we got that from you_" She said..

"_Okay_" I hesitatingly replied. I really don't know where this conversation is leading.

"_It's just that, well… We know you haven't been happy mom. You haven't been for a really long while._" She paused and tried reading my expression. When I couldn't find my words, she continued. "_We know we can make you smile and everything but we understand that we are not enough and that we might never will. It might not be soon but someday Caro and I will be gone, pursuing our life. We love you mom. Even though you are not always around often or that you don't exactly know us the way other parents does, we love you. And when the time comes that we will be pursuing our dreams, we don't want you to be alone momma. I know you don't need our permission to date or marry other guys but if you are hesitating because of us, please know that we will never get in the way of what would make you happy. Even if it means we must endure the company of those mindless reporters._" She finished.

I fully lost my words. I was quite astounded and very much touched on my daughters' words "_Oh darling. I know that, Bobbsey. I love you and your sister very much too. But right now, another relationship is not something that I would be contemplating_" Caroline saw us sitting and started making her way towards us with Patricia "_I know you and your sister would not always be under my wings but I would always be here for you_" I said as I wrapped my arms around my youngest daughter..

Cassidy pulled away and looked at me seriously "_You don't get it mom. We know that you will always be here for us but who would be here for you?_" she asked

"_I can take care of myself, Bobbsey_" I said independently. I know I was answering her question but in a way it sounded more like I was convincing myself than my daughters.

"_I know that too,mom. You are very capable of taking care of yourself but who would be there to just… You know be around you when you need someone, someone who you can trust or argue with over small things? Someone who would hug you or comfort you when you are lonely? And I am not talking about a friend, mother; I am talking about someone like Stephen or daddy._" She replied

"_She didn't mean it that way mama, she meant, someone who will always be there for you like a man would be for his wife_" Caroline interrupted.

"_Come here darling._" I said as I also pulled Caroline beside me. "_I know I have not been the best mother in the world as of lately and that I do seem to have been a different person. It is because something in my life has changed in the past two years and I am trying to get by it alright? And even though I don't look like I would be better anytime soon, I will be. In the mean time you and your sister should give me lots of hugs and kisses to make it all better. I do hope that by the time you will be pursuing your lives, I would be okay_" I explained as I each kissed them on the forehead.

"_Mom, okay is not happy. Okay is not great. Okay is not fantastic. You need to be happy mom…_" Cassidy insisted but I interrupted her just in time.

"_And I will be. Just not now_" I said with a weary smile.

For a minute Cassidy let the subject go as we sat there on the park bench, enjoying the wind. But it was not later when Caroline looked up to me and asked me with questioning eyes "_Mom you said that something happened_" she said curiously.

"_And we know that we should not be sticking our noses into things that aren't any of our business but you do know that we will be here if you want to talk or something right? Even though we might be too young to understand a few things, we will be here for you_" she said as she hugged me tight.

I looked at her and for once I saw her as the quite grown-up 14 years old that she was and not the little girl who was running her way towards me, crying because she skinned her knee. I looked at her seriously. At first I contemplated not telling her, thinking that the two of them would be too young to understand, but in a brief moment I realized that someday they wouldn't be and that I might as well tell them now then letting them misunderstand actions. "_Listen Caroline, about that person that your sister told me about. Having that one person that would be there to hold me, comfort me and love me? I don't think I would be willing have someone by my side other than one person. And she… she can't be with me that way or she thinks she can't_" I sadly explained. Although I was holding myself together in front of them, my eyes seemed suddenly too tired to even register my emotions. They were bare, as if I have been crying for too long, maybe I have.

"_Mom?_" Cassidy asked as she cupped my cheek. I knew she was anticipating the tears but it just won't come. I sadly smiled at her again as continued.

"_I am sorry if my recent actions have been bothering you, but I will be okay_." I said "_okay?_"

"_Okay_" They both said quietly at the same time.

After the little conversation with the twins, they seemed to have understood and didn't ask further questions. I knew that one day they would be asking and I vowed to myself that when that time comes, I would be truthful to them. They are smart girls and I knew they would understand.

By 12:30 we were on our way out of central park and the twins were bickering about their week as I pretended to listen.

"_Mom, can we have ice cream? There is an ice cream truck just outside the park and I am really craving for that triple dipple chocolate ice cream we had last week_" Cassidy said as she tugged on my sleeves, much like she would when she was just 7.

I crinkled my eyebrow and tried not to frown "_I didn't buy you ice cream last week, my dear. And if my memory would serve me right, we never went here last week_" I said as Patricia tugged on her leash.

"_We didn't_" she said pointedly "_Caro and I did_" she continued with a mischievous smile.

Before I could reply, Caroline hit her on the back of the head "_way to do genius!_"

"_Ouch! what? Was it supposed to be a secret?_" she grumpily asked as she rubbed the back of her head.

"_No… but you totally blew the front! We are not supposed to eat anything from a cart or a truck_" She replied as she stuck her tongue out.

"_Well it was clean! It's not like the guy who was serving it had a mustache with a dangling fly_" she replied with a glare.

"_Whatever_" Caroline Shrugged

"_Mom Please?_" She tugged on my sleeves once again and as I looked at her, she had this puppy dog eyes that I could never refuse, even when she was little.

"_Alright. we will later_" I told Cassidy. "_And don't hit her again or I'll smack you_" I jokingly said to Caroline who just shrugged once again.

The twins continued bickering and we stopped on a red light I could see the truck they were talking about just across the street. We stood there on the corner of the, waiting for the light to turn green. That's when I saw her across. She was wearing a black turtleneck, black leather pants, ankle boots, a white coat and a hat. She looked just like an angel. She was clearly on the phone with someone and she stopped on her tracks when she gazed at me. It was like we were back on the townhouse. I gazed at those brown orbs and the world seems to have stopped. I could hardly breathe and I wouldn't blink by eye in the fear that if I did, she would be gone in a second. My heart was beating loudly and I could hardly breathe. I shakily waved at her and she smiled at me. This scene gave me a small sense of déjà vu. Only we reversed our roles. When excitement and fear finally overcame the shock of seeing her, I began walking towards her. Suddenly, there was a speeding huge truck and just before I could make another step, the twins pulled me back in just enough for the truck to pass right in front of me. It could have been the shock of almost being hit by a truck, the excitement of seeing Andrea or the panic that she might turn away again that caused me to tremble and shake. I struggled from the twins' hold as I tried moving right and left; anxiously waiting for the truck to pass by. When it did, I struggled away from the twins' hold and ran across the street. Damned be the red light, I had to be near her. When I got across, she was nowhere to be found. I started looking for her in every direction but my eyes wouldn't see her. I turned around and panicked as I circled on the spot. I vaguely saw the twins crossing the street too, but I couldn't think straight. My heart was beating so hard and fast that I could hear it in my ears. I was trembling and tears of desperation started blurring my eyes. I knew she was here. My eyes could not be tricking me. She was right in front of me. I needed to find her and if I got hold of her, I will see to it that she will never leave my side again. I continued looking for her, searching for any signs of her but she just wasn't there.

_"__Mom! What the hell is wrong with you?!_" I could vaguely hear Caroline ask agitatedly. But I could not say a word. It's like my world muted right on the spot and my muscles wouldn't move. My voice was lost to me and tears were already on the verge of falling. I was so cold and so alone. Just before the first tear fell on the ground, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around. That's when I stared at those eyes once again. This set of eyes held hope and happiness in them, much like the same hope and happiness that she held on the offices of RUNWAY. I still couldn't find my voice and the dam just broke. Tears wouldn't stop as we looked at each other in a way that made us think nothing really matters; Just Us. She brushed the tears that fell from my eyes and I felt her touch. That's when I found my voice "_Andrea_" I whispered.

"_I am back_" she whispered too. She smiled and I couldn't stop myself anymore. I needed to feel her touch; I needed a steel foundation that would make me believe that she was not a figment of my demented imagination and that if I kissed her right now she would not disappear like a mirage on a dessert, giving false hope of life.

Her lips touched mine and I knew for sure that we belonged. I could feel eyes staring at us but I could care less. "_You have given me the strength to go on, and with that bit of love you gave me, I found the strength to pull myself off the ground. I found my way back to you, and I hope you would take me back too_" she said as I leaned my forehead onto hers.

I smiled at her as I replied "_you never lost me_" I said "_I was right here with you_" I brought my hand to her heart and we kissed one more time.

When I was finally ready to let go of her hold, we were surrounded by a crowd, staring at us. Most especially, the twins were right beside me, staring at us with questions in their eyes. Andrea smiled at them and Caroline was the first one to speak up "_Who are you?_"

"Hi Caroline" She greeted as she moved in front of her. She took her hand and shook it. She started speaking but her eyes met mine once again "_My name is Armand Styliier Panne_, Nice to meet you" She said with a trembling smile and a tearing eye.

I emitted my momentary gasp and I held her gaze. She came back; she found herself and made herself a different reputation, one that she could be proud of. With that she stood up once again and kissed me as if nothing in the world would ever matter than the two of us and the family we are going to build with the twins.

* * *

There! Kissed and Made up! Are you guys happy now? ;) Epilogue Next…I know I said that this chap would be an epilogue but I couldn't kill Miranda! (Please don't send me a notice on Attempted Murder hahahahahah) ;) That was my initial plan because this was originally inspired by a local song I have been listening to. She was supposed to die and yet I don't want to be the one to kill her! I didn't know how I could turn the story around without destroying the overall mood of the story. Anyway like you guys felt I couldn't just let her die especially because of the twins so I made a different take on this one =D I hope you like it. Oh and keep the review coming because the next one would be the actual epilogue and real closure =D


	6. Epilogue

**Title:** Darkness's Inside

**Rating: PG-13** (This chapter)

**Paring**: Miranda/Andrea

**Summary:** I looked at her. I remember being hurt; looking at her hurt. With every step she made graciously, with every move she taunted her viewers with, the dagger in my heart twisted a little too far and reality finally hit me hard; Andrea Sachs, the love of my life, was a stripper in Manhattan, as stripper who dances naked for a perverted crowd and strips for these perverted minds.

**Author's Note**: I love you so much Marg! Thank you so much for putting up with me! I know I could never have done this without your help.  
**Author's Note 2**: Finally! We have come to the last! Thank you so much for the cookies! I love them all!  
**Author's Note 3**: Please enjoy and tell me what you think.

**Epilogue**

December 22, 2010

Clothes are strewn across the whole suite, leading from the door to our bed. I am sure that there are broken pieces of glass on living room from the vase we have broken when I tried to pin her to the wall last night. Paper plates were on the comforter which was already on the edge of the bed with almost half of it on the floor. Pieces of burnt off candles and rose petals were scattered on the bed and on the floor. I look at the bed and I am sure that it would be permanently stained by the champagne we quite un-purposely but unapologetically spilled last night. It was the third night of our honeymoon and I still couldn't quite get enough of her. After a night of amorous lovemaking, she is laid across the bed, on her stomach with the sheets covering half of her body; exposing the expanse of her lovely back which I laved with champagne last night. I am right beside her writing this entry from our bed. A year after the day we met on Central Park, Andrea Sachs became Andrea Sachs Priestly and continued being the award winning novelist Armand Styliier Panne. As ridiculous as her penname sounds, I found the reason behind it very sweet and sentimental; Armand Styliier Panne is derived from my very own name Miranda Anne Priestly and a wishful thinking that she might have the same initials she is having now: ASP. It has taken us quite a while to be where we are right now, but I would not have it any other way. The love I feel for her grows more and more each day and I could not fathom what I would feel should she leave me again. The twins readily accepted her as my life-long partner and enjoyed her presence in our life. Her dark past still torments her and her insecurities were far from gone but it has been my duty to calm her troubled heart. She's been writing under a pseudonym to protect her career should her dark past surround her work. But she is quite not safe from public scrutiny. She is, after all, the wife of Miranda Priestly. So far not one of her dark past has been written on ink at the papers, but we are anticipating of its appearance someday. And it will come. We are ready to take the battle hand in hand with our love as the armor against the world. Years ago I have been suggested to write my thoughts to prevent me from being troubled, but right now, there is nowhere in this heart and mind of mine does trouble come, because the love of my life is already right here beside me. As a conclusion to this Journal of almost 5 years, I write down the thought that I gained throughout the roller coaster ride life has taken me with.

In life we face unexpected obstacles that will push us until we stray out of the path. We try, we stumble, we learn and we stumble again. It is a never ending cycle that would lead us through tears, laughter and joy. We may lose the way, but in the end there is light and love. Hope – we must live on it. That's all.

MP

**Very Last Author's Note: Thank you sooo much for those who reviewed, followed and favorite my story! Your really helped me through this fic. This is a big achievement for me because I have been a reader for quite a number of years and I have only posted one-shot fics. Oh I have attempted writing longer fics but it seems that I have ADD or something. I can't seem to finish anything I get my hands on so this is the first that I actually got a closure on =D Hope you liked the ending. I know its short compared to other fics but this is the longest I have yet to make ;) God Bless :-* oh and please tell me what you think for one last time =D**


End file.
